FOR WHEN THE TIDE GETS LOW.
You can’t run from your past but you can walk beside it, in acceptance. Regret is the entirety of our negligence to solution and I myself find it so much easier to live in fear than to exist willing to change but alas, life isn’t meant to be easy, for the easy road always dead ends at a destination most difficult to face head on. To live with remorse; a focus on past actions creates a fear of progression and if the line of sight is always fixated on what’s behind you, then what’s in front of you will go unmaintained and easily dismissed, ergo manifesting moments of the past into circumstances of the present, you will not change.
There is a bittersweet pain about facing your fears head on. There is no cortex in your brain that stores and dismantles trauma and anguish. In fact, the best weapon against the blade that attacks you from yesterday is today, is the consciousness and reality you’re living and breathing right now. The less you address that specific moment that is circulating through your head right now, while reading this, the harder it will be to take a step towards a mind entirely free of famine and the thirst for a better life.
When a home burns down, leaving all of its contents, sentimental and material, in a heap of unsalvageable carnage, the foundation beneath it all still sits sturdy and fertile. The foundation below it all will live another day to hold the skeleton of another shelter that a smiling face will eventually call home. To rebuild, you must all at once watch your entire life fall apart, you must face what tore the trusses and tissue that once held you high. Without knowing what brought you to the ground, you’ll never be able to stand again and protect yourself from the familiar hellion of thought that brought you to your knees in the first place.
There is a mild misery about in living in neglect; there is a permanent pain that comes with the pestilence of a past bound in a fog cleared only when life seems to be going well. You are an unbreakable foundation, your body is a breakable being but what stands with a brass-bound strength is your ability to still breath in the cool morning air, your ability to feel the breeze raise the pores on your skin, your ability to walk beside your past and still stride towards the future.
The eyes that experienced yesterday are the same eyes that will view tomorrow, what stands in front; be it misery or euphoria, is temporary, what dwells behind them, is forever.
Black clouds hover over open caskets and I know that you’ve put the purpose of existence in a shoebox and hid it from yourself in the places hardest to reach. I’ve been there and I’m there right now. You can’t grasp why we’re here and you can’t come to a conclusion of the reasoning behind every breath you take. I feel that to which you cannot see reveals the highest form of purpose. I feel there’s a clearer reflection when you’re staring through the fog more than when you’re standing in the clear. The direction in which you’re headed is steered by fear and that is when planting your feet and standing still for a moment is okay.
Entry 2, April 22, 2019- ENDURE.
There are days where your words seem lost with your thoughts, so you decide to keep them tucked in places hardest to find. As someone who has suffered and is suffering with mental health daily, the silence is only beneficial when you’re attempting to reflect upon yourself and reach a solution through solitude, but silence is a double-edged sword. Think of pain as the kettle that you call home and silence as the flame that brings the water to boil, eventually the contents will reach a point of ignition. I have noticed, through personal experience that the longer I bite my tongue and allow the ominous thoughts to pressure cook in the depths of my mind, the more prevalent and sharp the thoughts become. There are endless arms of help you can latch on to; be it therapy, a physical or emotional release, or just talking to a loved one.
With mental health, for me, I never realized the decline until I was face to face with rock bottom and the beautiful part about rock bottom is that there is no scenery beneath your feet, there is nowhere to go but up. I started climbing the long road to recovery by deciphering the moments I can remember that made me happy. Personally, it is writing, music, meditation, and nature. I utilized my surroundings and began slowly climbing. I reached out to my mother, my father, my friends, a therapist and began releasing the things that caused me a mental calamity. Is it easy? No. When your thoughts are a burden to you, the last thing you want is to cause a burden to anyone else. I understand. In the eyes of the ones that care, the ones that love you, there is no such thing as burden. The love is in the well-being of the loved.
Finding something that creates a temporary release is key in the road to complete recovery. On the climb to the top, you’re going to slip. After every sunny say there may be a dark cloud full of rain lingering in the distance. The point of healing is understanding that darkness is inevitable, but seizing the moments that allow you to push aside the nightfall of your mind.
Fear is the strongest blade and the weakest skin. For so long I was afraid to show the world the pain that makes me who I am for the very reason that I hated who I was. Fear is the wet eraser over your penciled in pain. You can withhold your voice, but it doesn't get rid of the pain, it just smudges the burden. The feeling of releasing your mind is an ecstasy that pulls the weight from your shoulders, a feeling of bliss that releases the tension in your lungs from each regretted breath.
Cherish the moments that allow you to remember who you were before this darkness nested in your chest, in your mind, and in your heart. Find that song that brings a tear to your eye and raises the pours from your skin. Find that trail that brings the skylight of the sun to reflect off of the sweat pouring down your face. Find the love that mother nature sheds upon her inhabitants, the fresh air, the breezes traveling through the pine needles, the dawn shine off of the solid lake, the morning whispers of the birds; speaking without words. There is a shine in the distance and every day you stand still, you move two steps back. Tighten the laces, and look life in the eyes.
Entry 1, March 18, 2019- HOPE.
So today isn’t your day, nor has been the past few weeks, months or years and that’s okay. This circumstantial pain that circulates your veins and wraps you in a lead blanket every morning when you open your eyes, that pain is a pain of growth. With every moment that seems like a burden to your breath, that seems like the sky has grayed over so long that blue is just a memory, comes with a lesson and a lesson learned.
There is no such thing as failure, for to define failure is to define something that freezes its progression because of an unconquerable obstacle and yet, there is no such thing. You have learned, through every tear, through every scream, through every hair pulled in frustration and famine for freedom. Life is full of ups and downs and as cliche as that sounds, it’s the truth. Though the lower points seem to overpower the paper thin moments of happiness and a wholesome heart, you still receive wisdom from the depths of the hell you feel you’re living. The more you live in darkness allows the lighter moments to be cherished and held more tightly than ever.
There is no shoe that has walked in the footprints of your journey, no set of eyes that has seen what you have seen, there is not another person that can tell you that what you’re feeling isn’t viable. This anxiety of judgment places the shadow that drags behind you, right in front of your eyes, and that will fade with the sunset. There is no way to see the self that sits gently under your skin, only you can feel the truth. The voices that seem so full of scrutiny will become empty thoughts that float aimlessly into nothing the more you come to terms with the soluble nature of your mind and your being.
Right now, in this very moment, you are as you have never been before and at the end of this sentence you will be another you, that is in its most admirable form… alive. See the moment as it is, and seize it for what it is worth.